My Final Goodbye

I wrote this for my public speaking class...and just needed to put it somewhere I won't lose it. Or I guess...somewhere I can let myself lose it? Anyways, it's gone now. Done. No turning back. Only growth.
Here it is:

Goodbye. How can one word mean so much and bring so much pain? To neglect a proper goodbye can often lead to much more anguish and regret. So here it is. This is my final goodbye. And though you will never hear it, because I will never say it to your face, here are my final words to you, my friend.

The beginning of our friendship was the beginning of so much else in my life. New people, new faces, a new school: a quick distraction from the actual problem which seemed to easily hide behind daily ballet warm-ups, lunches at home, taking out the trash because my roommate refuses, and laughing about class with a friend.

There was always this pressure to be better, to do something greater, to not simply live each day satisfied with only being mediocre. Making the most of where and who I am? I still don't know how to do that.

But where did this pressure come from? It wasn’t from some parental voice that wanted me to be something bigger than I already was. I had far exceeded their expectations long ago about where I could live and what I could do to make myself happy without dependence on them. It didn’t come from a confidant, another close personal friend who always wanted what was best and always knew I could do better. That I could be better. They are proud of what they have befriended and want to be a part of whatever I choose to become next.

The pressure came from, and the problem was, me.
I had forced myself into believing that I was never good enough and that nothing could satisfy me.
Thus far, that thinking pattern had gotten me where and what I wanted, had pushed me to be better and seek something greater...but suddenly I didn’t know what better or greater meant. Where do you go once you meet your goal that has been your be all and end all for as long as you can remember?

The realization of thinking I knew what I wanted for my life, but it getting further away with each step I took was paralyzing. No man can serve two masters and thus far I had served more than I could count. Because I had wanted to be good at everything it seemed like my inability to do what I truly wanted was catching up and keeping me from achieving goals I had set long ago. It was getting frustrating trying to live in the now when all I could see through my tunnel vision was a light so small, I wasn’t sure if I was moving in the right direction.

And then there was you. I've never had what I wanted, in a relationship or in life, simply given to me. I've always worked for it, and been so driven and not stopped until I could get it. So when something that I knew I had wanted for so long, a friendship so special, simply fell in my lap and seemed so right it was really scary. How did I deserve to have what I wanted without even working for or doing so much to try and get it? It didn't make sense.

You accepted me for who I was. You loved how I laughed at your jokes, even when they weren’t that funny. You wanted me to always feel comfortable, and made sure I knew how I didn’t have to be anything but me for you. You loved how I didn’t care what people thought, or at least how I pretended not to, and how I could care less about never wearing anything but sweat pants to class. You liked how I never told you everything, how there was always mystery, but that I never left you completely in the cold about how I felt.

The friendship we had was far from perfect. But the things that I shared with you, things I had never shared with anyone and will have to keep to myself for awhile, will forever be something that I can’t regret. Our imperfection, in its own sickening way, was exactly what I needed in order to grow and learn about myself.

Knowing that the idea of you may be what I wanted more than anything was the hardest realization of all. You seemed so right for me. I fit into your world so perfectly. But, only the parts you were willing to show me. While I shouldn't have listened to anyone else, my own thoughts should have been my one true guide, I couldn't help but be carried away by the overwhelming words that everyone else kept feeling it was their duty to deliver to me.

And for that I am sorry.

But I think I have learned my lesson. Don't jump in too soon. When people tell you what you want to hear, tread carefully.

But above all trust. Trust until you can't.

But now I really can't. Because what I know, what I know I shouldn't know, and what I'm scared to tell you I know...it ruins everything. I can't tell you the truth and I don't want to lie. So this is our goodbye.

I'll miss you so much. I'll miss what we had. And I do wish I had been able to give you all of me, all of my truth, all of who I am instead of cautiously wading in only ankle deep. But in the end, I know that in actuality I miss something that was hurting me. Something that wouldn't create in me the need to be better, that would keep me from moving forward, from growth.

That’s it. The end. The end of my goodbye and the end of a friendship. I hope you have gained at least half of what I have and learned about yourself at least a fraction of what I have learned about me.

knowing that the idea of you may be what i wanted more than anything was the hardest realization of all. you seemed so right for me. i fit into your world so perfectly. but only the parts you were willing to show me. while i shouldn't have listened to anyone else, your voice should have been my one lighthouse, i couldn't help but be carried away by the overwhelming words that everyone else kept feeling it was their duty to deliver to me.

and for that i am sorry.

i learned my lesson. don't jump into soon. when people tell you what you want to hear, tread carefully. but trust. trust until you can't. not only until you are told you can't.

but now i really can't. because what i know, what i know i shouldn't know, and what i'm scared to tell you i know...it ruins everything. i can't tell you the truth and i don't want to lie. so it has to end.

i'll miss you so much. i'll miss what we had. and i wish i had been able to give it my all instead of cautiously wading in only ankle deep. i'll try harder next time. whether it's with or without you.

but you have to promise me the truth. because i truly am addicted to it.

Seriously...this is my life.

Sorry for another song lyric post.
even though nobody reads this.
this song is like the definition of my life.
i over analyze much too much.

oops.

here they are:
If you wanna be my friend
You want us to get along
Please do not expect me to
Wrap it up and keep it there
The observation I am doing could
Easily be understood
As cynical demeanour
But one of us misread...
And what do you know
It happened again

A friend is not a means
You utilize to get somewhere
Somehow I didn't notice
friendship is an end
What do you know
It happened again

How come no-one told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?

What do you know
It happened again
What do you know

Just a song I heard this one time...

To the boy who should have loved me,
From the boy you could've had.
I promised not to send this letter,
I wouldn't want you to feel bad.
For not opening your heart to me,
For your unavailability.

I guess you're not required to like me,
But did you fake it just to spite me?

Well here's a little String-a-long song for you.
Just give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy
And string-a-long with me too.

Thanks for leading me on,
But this time I'm gonna be strong--
Although your disinterest kind of came as a surprise cause
You could see the sin and the sadness
And taste the gin and the madness
on my lips, and in my eyes well
I can't help that I wanna see you again.
But it takes two to start a string-a-long song
And only one... to make it end.

Well the Flake Syndrome is an epidemic
That spans the globe from town to town.
But I can't figure out why you put forth such an effort
To win me over, just to turn me down.
Cause your words are so soft and sweet,
But your actions are screaming.
And if you see me waiting around for you,
I hope you also see you're dreaming.

Well here's a little String-a-long song for you.
Just give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy
And string-a-long with me too.

Thanks for leading me on,
But this time I'm gonna be strong--
Although your disinterest kind of came as a surprise cause
You could see the sin and the sadness
And taste the gin and the madness
on my lips, and in my eyes well
I can't help that I wanna see you again.
But it takes two to start a string-a-long song
And only one... to make it end.

I know he'll break my heart,
I know I'll fall apart. And
I know because this is how it starts.
Maybe it's wrong of me...
To wish that we could be,
But your kiss matched mine
So perfectly.

Well here's a little String-a-long song for you.
Just give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy
And string-a-long with me too.

Thanks for leading me on,
But this time I'm gonna be strong--
I wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cause
The truth is I wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell
I owe you one of the few I got left of my nine lives.
Well, I can't help that I wanna see you again.
But it takes two to start a string-a-long song
And only one... to make it end.

I just...

realized the world doesn't translate life the same way i do.

weird.

One day...

I'll just type out my journal entries in here.

but not today.

I really did have a plan for this post...but then I got scared.

I really want a cookie right now.

You are the only one who reads this.

Thanks for helping me not be awkward.

It's nice to finally be comfortable with someone I like a lot.

:)

Overwhelmed...

and unsure of how to continue on.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but it gets further away with each step I take. No man can serve two masters and thus far I have served more than I can count, my inability to do what I truly want is catching up and its getting frustrating trying to live in the now when all I can see in this endless tunnel is a light so distant I'm not sure if I'm moving in the right direction.

New people, new faces: a quick distraction from the actual problem which seems to easily hide behind daily ballet warm-ups and lunches at home and taking out the trash and laughing with a friend. Making the most of where I am? I don't think I know how to do that yet.

And where is this pressure coming from? It's not from some parental voice that wants me to be something bigger than I already am. I've made it farther than they thought I could. It's not from a confidant who wants whats best and knows I can do better. They are proud of what they have befriended and want to be a part of whatever I choose to become next.

The problem is me.
I've forced myself into believing I'm never good enough and that nothing can satisfy me.
Thus far this has gotten me where I want...but now I don't know what to want next.

Where do I go from here? What's next? How can I prepare when I don't know what is coming next or even what I want?

Our Generation

It's funny what technology has done to communication. Now people can date each other with out ever even meeting them.

I was thinking about this as I texted for the 30948980 someone I'm not even sure I know that well...but could potentially be an excellent "other half."

What has happened to our generation when you can have serious relationship with someone without ever meeting them face to face?

HAHAHAHHAHA.

Why do people lie about relationships they are in? Especially to people who know both parties involved in the relationship? Do they seriously not think that the other person will find out and set EVERYONE STRAIGHT ON EXACTLY HOW THEY ARE NOT EVEN HANGING OUT? Let alone dating, talking, having sex, doing anything...

geez.
some people are dumb.

I'm Ready

to move back.

Home

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what defines home. For some people it's the family they live with. Whether that means a mom and dad and three siblings or a group of friends from college. For some it's a specific city where they grew up. For others, it may be a room or building that they have never even slept it but have never felt more like themselves than when they are there.

I haven't decided where my home is yet. I know there are some very specific people that, no matter where I am, I know around them I can be one hundred percent me...
Maybe that's why I have always loved L.A. Regardless of the city, I've never been more at ease than when I'm with my sister.

On the same subject its funny how little things can make you realize how not at home you really are. One rude comment from a person walking through the mall. One really cold and rainy afternoon in a city where nobody drives their own cars. One night in a bed you didn't want to sleep in.

I'm realizing more and more that I can't stay here...but I'm not sure exactly where I'm supposed to go.

But I know who I'm inviting to come visit.

Sorry.

I apologize for what happened. I should have left. Everything I said means nothing because I decided to stay.
And I meant everything I said.


But for some reason I have this horrible habit of doing things before I think about them. Don't think that I regret what happened...but just know that it won't happen again. I refuse to be another notch on your bedpost...but at the same time I know that completely ignoring you isn't an option.

There it is.
Let me know if you care.

"And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes- sometimes,
you just have to walk away...walk away."
~Ben Harper "Walk Away"

Getting over it...maybe.

Okay. I think I am finally getting it. I guess I'm finally starting to understand. After all of these mixed signals and contradictory conversations I'm almost able to step back and go "okay, never mind." Clearly you are a little mixed up. You need some time to think. Some time to figure out what you want. Or maybe you already know...and since you do, you aren't willing to settle for anything less.
Just so you know, I'm not less. Just different maybe.
And just because I may not have had all the experiences you have had or haven't lived quite as long doesn't mean I can't or don't understand. There are a lot of things that you have never experienced that only I could tell you stories about. There is a lot of stuff that has already "corrupted me" far worse than anything you could ever do.
So I'm going to stop trying so hard. Because I shouldn't pursue what I can't have. You have made it clear that you do it all the time, that your emotions can be turned off, that you can experience something that most would find exceedingly emotional and simply move forward never once thinking about how others feel about your actions.
Well I can't. I play hard and fast. I look back and try to be proud of what I have done. And you clearly don't want to be one of my fond memories.
So stop. Stop saying those things you know I want to hear just so you can get yours. I think I finally have the strength to get out before I get abused.
So here goes...
No more waiting for you to say something I want to hear.
No more waiting for you to make the move I want you to make.
I'm simply waiting for something better to come along.



unless you are ready to be something better.

something that is about following your heart or something like that

Some advice for a friend:

but here is what I know. The only person who can make you truly happy is you. YOU know what you want. YOU know what your goals are. and sometimes it seems like you dont...like you aren't sure what you want to do with your life or who you want to be. But you have to do what makes you happy. Regardless if you end up working at a bank or married with 7 kids you will at least be able to look back and go "wow I was really happy then, even tho I wasn't doing anything to get towards the life I live now" You'll end up where you are supposed to end up. SO ENJOY THE JOURNEY THERE!!!

Oklahoma Breeze...

So here I am...back home for the summer. I gotta map out some goals or somethin' otherwise this will be a waste of 3 months. Word?

1. SAVE LOTS OF MONEY. So right now I have two jobs for sure...FC and this studio in Norman that I'm teaching at...but I also have this nasty habit of spending money. So I'm gonna need to learn to be happy with what I have and quit buying v-necks and boxing shoes. I can do this. I believe in myself.

2. GET REALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING I HATE. i.e. ballet. or maybe listening to my dad talk about airplanes. or perhaps quantum physics. something. I'll feel like I've accomplished something if I'm proficient at something that usually pisses me off.

3. SLEEP IN A LOT. enough said.

4. WORK OUT ON A REGULAR BASIS. this will probably impede on my 3rd goal...since I'll have to do it BEFORE going to work each morning. sacrifices must be made.

5. READ A LOT OF BOOKS. I'm in the middle of at least 4 right now. It would be really cool if I could finish a book before starting a new one. Really cool.

6. GO TO L.A. I'm pretty for sure going in August...so this is kind of just one of those things you put on your to do list cause you know you will be able to mark it off.

7. SEE SOME COOL SHIT IN OK. So I've lived here all my life...and was always convinced there was nothing cool. And while that is still pretty true there is a lot of interesting shit going on that I could at least take a look at...right?

Well...thats a good start I guess...we'll see how this works out.
PEACE.

Not the same anymore...

After last nights performance I realize how much I've grown and how my entire perception has changed about what dance is and should be. Not only was I not dancing to impress somebody else (judges, dance teachers, my parents), I realized that the only person I can ever attempt to impress, and probably never will, is myself.
It felt so good to be on a stage again...after 8 months of rehearsing in the studio and taking class everyday. I had almost forgotten why I dance. Sharing my passion, pain...everything. Being able to let it go and share something so personal with an audience. Making someone who has never seen "modern dance" cry because of the story being told. Moving because we want to move, without any rhyme or reason. Getting nervous before, forgetting everything else exists while on stage, the post performance adrenaline rush.
Two more performances today...and all I can think about is how to make myself more present.
How can I experience dance for the first time each time I walk on stage?

How can I experience life for the first time everyday?

Excited and Contemplative

So here I sit with only 17 days left in New York. 17 days before my freshman year of college is over. 17 days before the year I thought would never come is gone. And all I can think about is home.
I know being home this summer isn't going to be at all like it was before I left. Not only have I changed so much just in the last few months (not to mention since August) but I know my family has changed too. My brother has been an only child for a year but I wonder if it has really made him that much more independent, or only proliferated his tendency to drain my parents financially.
It will be really weird to not be able to simply walk down the hall or up a flight of stairs at any hour of the night to find friends playing music, working on ridiculous projects, or drinking despite having school at 9 the next morning. But it will be comforting to know that I can see my family everyday and eat breakfast with them on Saturday morning and not worry about if I have enough money to buy some extra groceries this week.
I'm trying to soak everything in here at the end. As one of my best friends (who happens to live in the room right above me) so frequently says "I'm just livin' my life." That's all I can do. Take it in. Cause its always fleeting. It's so hard to enjoy the present when I'm always anticipating the future...

"Why Am I Doing This?"

What scares me the most about my current situation is that fact that I don't know the answer to that question. Why am I doing this? Do I want to keep dancing? Do I want a degree that says I can dance? Do I want a degree at all?
Right now all I want is to be home in my own bed and be able to hug my parents and yell at my little brother and have my mom make pancakes for breakfast. Just to be comfortable and know I don't have to worry about money or what I'm doing or who I'm going to be. To measure success by how many people I got to talk to in one day, how many chores I got done around the house. Not by auditions I could be but am not going to. Or NYC things I could be doing but am not.
I don't want to regret my time here. But, it's hard to LIVE in NYC and go to school here. You kind of have to pick. Either you are a student and you work and you study and you take a little time to live in New York, or you actually live here and work here and take New York in for all it has to offer.
It's frustrating working so hard at school...but for what?

We are getting separate rooms. finally.

Seriously?

Okay, so I told you I was going to go bed, knowing that ALL of the people currently smoking in our bedroom are your friends SO YOU INVITE ANOTHER GIRL OVER AND PROCEED TO SMOKE A NEW CIGARETTE. REALLY? Are you really that inconsiderate or are you just dumb? I don't understand but something has to change. Now. Either this shit ends or an RA is finding out really fast.

I'm just tired and want to go to sleep in my own bed. I have class tomorrow...its not that weird for me to want to go to bed at 2 FUCKING 45 IN THE MORNING.

This isn't excusable anymore.

Number 1

Everything has to start somewhere I guess. So here is my beginning. Thought I would try this blog thing out. Journaling doesn't happen as often as it should...but maybe...since now I know ANYBODY could be reading this I'll be more diligent about getting out all the crap inside my head.

NEW YORK WAS SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY. Seriously. And honestly, for some reason, this weekend made me feel so at home here in the city. For the first time since moving here last August. I felt like I could live here, on my own, and actually be better than fine.

However, those feeling quickly washed away when a certain someone came back to the city after a weekend away. I thought we were really close you know, like the type of people that are friends for (despite the cliche) ever. But I must have been wrong. I assumed a weekend away, some time apart, would make her miss me...or me her. But...here we are. In a deadlock again. Awkward silences in place of hugs and conversation. It's fine. Wait for her to come around I keep thinking. But. I feel so shitty being around her. Which wouldn't be a problem...if my roommate wasn't her new best friend.

I'm determined to not let it bother me. She wants it to. She wants me to come and see what's wrong and give her the attention she craves. But she slammed the door and refused to talk to me. It was her choice to be angry. I never was. Confused? Yes. A little upset? Probably. But angry or mad? No.

In other news I got a phone call (ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME! the crowd screams) from him today. Awesome. So he didn't forget about me just because I came back to New York. Maybe he wants to start pretending to be a good long distance friend. I would like a LITTLE effort on his part. :)

Okay....that's pretty good for a first post huh? None of that get to know you shit...just start you right in on what's up in my head, my life, my world.