Home

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what defines home. For some people it's the family they live with. Whether that means a mom and dad and three siblings or a group of friends from college. For some it's a specific city where they grew up. For others, it may be a room or building that they have never even slept it but have never felt more like themselves than when they are there.

I haven't decided where my home is yet. I know there are some very specific people that, no matter where I am, I know around them I can be one hundred percent me...
Maybe that's why I have always loved L.A. Regardless of the city, I've never been more at ease than when I'm with my sister.

On the same subject its funny how little things can make you realize how not at home you really are. One rude comment from a person walking through the mall. One really cold and rainy afternoon in a city where nobody drives their own cars. One night in a bed you didn't want to sleep in.

I'm realizing more and more that I can't stay here...but I'm not sure exactly where I'm supposed to go.

But I know who I'm inviting to come visit.

Sorry.

I apologize for what happened. I should have left. Everything I said means nothing because I decided to stay.
And I meant everything I said.


But for some reason I have this horrible habit of doing things before I think about them. Don't think that I regret what happened...but just know that it won't happen again. I refuse to be another notch on your bedpost...but at the same time I know that completely ignoring you isn't an option.

There it is.
Let me know if you care.

"And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes- sometimes,
you just have to walk away...walk away."
~Ben Harper "Walk Away"

Getting over it...maybe.

Okay. I think I am finally getting it. I guess I'm finally starting to understand. After all of these mixed signals and contradictory conversations I'm almost able to step back and go "okay, never mind." Clearly you are a little mixed up. You need some time to think. Some time to figure out what you want. Or maybe you already know...and since you do, you aren't willing to settle for anything less.
Just so you know, I'm not less. Just different maybe.
And just because I may not have had all the experiences you have had or haven't lived quite as long doesn't mean I can't or don't understand. There are a lot of things that you have never experienced that only I could tell you stories about. There is a lot of stuff that has already "corrupted me" far worse than anything you could ever do.
So I'm going to stop trying so hard. Because I shouldn't pursue what I can't have. You have made it clear that you do it all the time, that your emotions can be turned off, that you can experience something that most would find exceedingly emotional and simply move forward never once thinking about how others feel about your actions.
Well I can't. I play hard and fast. I look back and try to be proud of what I have done. And you clearly don't want to be one of my fond memories.
So stop. Stop saying those things you know I want to hear just so you can get yours. I think I finally have the strength to get out before I get abused.
So here goes...
No more waiting for you to say something I want to hear.
No more waiting for you to make the move I want you to make.
I'm simply waiting for something better to come along.



unless you are ready to be something better.