I wrote this for my public speaking class...and just needed to put it somewhere I won't lose it. Or I guess...somewhere I can let myself lose it? Anyways, it's gone now. Done. No turning back. Only growth.
Here it is:
Goodbye. How can one word mean so much and bring so much pain? To neglect a proper goodbye can often lead to much more anguish and regret. So here it is. This is my final goodbye. And though you will never hear it, because I will never say it to your face, here are my final words to you, my friend.
The beginning of our friendship was the beginning of so much else in my life. New people, new faces, a new school: a quick distraction from the actual problem which seemed to easily hide behind daily ballet warm-ups, lunches at home, taking out the trash because my roommate refuses, and laughing about class with a friend.
There was always this pressure to be better, to do something greater, to not simply live each day satisfied with only being mediocre. Making the most of where and who I am? I still don't know how to do that.
But where did this pressure come from? It wasn’t from some parental voice that wanted me to be something bigger than I already was. I had far exceeded their expectations long ago about where I could live and what I could do to make myself happy without dependence on them. It didn’t come from a confidant, another close personal friend who always wanted what was best and always knew I could do better. That I could be better. They are proud of what they have befriended and want to be a part of whatever I choose to become next.
The pressure came from, and the problem was, me.
I had forced myself into believing that I was never good enough and that nothing could satisfy me.
Thus far, that thinking pattern had gotten me where and what I wanted, had pushed me to be better and seek something greater...but suddenly I didn’t know what better or greater meant. Where do you go once you meet your goal that has been your be all and end all for as long as you can remember?
The realization of thinking I knew what I wanted for my life, but it getting further away with each step I took was paralyzing. No man can serve two masters and thus far I had served more than I could count. Because I had wanted to be good at everything it seemed like my inability to do what I truly wanted was catching up and keeping me from achieving goals I had set long ago. It was getting frustrating trying to live in the now when all I could see through my tunnel vision was a light so small, I wasn’t sure if I was moving in the right direction.
And then there was you. I've never had what I wanted, in a relationship or in life, simply given to me. I've always worked for it, and been so driven and not stopped until I could get it. So when something that I knew I had wanted for so long, a friendship so special, simply fell in my lap and seemed so right it was really scary. How did I deserve to have what I wanted without even working for or doing so much to try and get it? It didn't make sense.
You accepted me for who I was. You loved how I laughed at your jokes, even when they weren’t that funny. You wanted me to always feel comfortable, and made sure I knew how I didn’t have to be anything but me for you. You loved how I didn’t care what people thought, or at least how I pretended not to, and how I could care less about never wearing anything but sweat pants to class. You liked how I never told you everything, how there was always mystery, but that I never left you completely in the cold about how I felt.
The friendship we had was far from perfect. But the things that I shared with you, things I had never shared with anyone and will have to keep to myself for awhile, will forever be something that I can’t regret. Our imperfection, in its own sickening way, was exactly what I needed in order to grow and learn about myself.
Knowing that the idea of you may be what I wanted more than anything was the hardest realization of all. You seemed so right for me. I fit into your world so perfectly. But, only the parts you were willing to show me. While I shouldn't have listened to anyone else, my own thoughts should have been my one true guide, I couldn't help but be carried away by the overwhelming words that everyone else kept feeling it was their duty to deliver to me.
And for that I am sorry.
But I think I have learned my lesson. Don't jump in too soon. When people tell you what you want to hear, tread carefully.
But above all trust. Trust until you can't.
But now I really can't. Because what I know, what I know I shouldn't know, and what I'm scared to tell you I know...it ruins everything. I can't tell you the truth and I don't want to lie. So this is our goodbye.
I'll miss you so much. I'll miss what we had. And I do wish I had been able to give you all of me, all of my truth, all of who I am instead of cautiously wading in only ankle deep. But in the end, I know that in actuality I miss something that was hurting me. Something that wouldn't create in me the need to be better, that would keep me from moving forward, from growth.
That’s it. The end. The end of my goodbye and the end of a friendship. I hope you have gained at least half of what I have and learned about yourself at least a fraction of what I have learned about me.
