New Years Eve 2009

New Year's Eve and I'm choosing to sleep it in I guess.

Yay 2010!

hope its better than 2009. Not that it was that bad...I just hope I make more decisions I can be proud of and want to talk about in 2010.

Guess its off to bed. I'll wake up to a new fresh start while everyone else is getting rid of their hang overs.

my life is silly. but I'm getting used to being alone. I don't mind it.

Been thinking a lot about resolutions and things in my life I want to change and make better.

It's hard to make a list of EVERYTHING you want to improve...and I think it is kind of silly that it's only recommended one time a year. Why can't each month bring about new month resolutions? Every Sunday be a time to pick new goals to achieve?

I want to be happy. I think that's number one. It seems like I've lately been hitting some pretty high highs and some really low lows. I don't want to be so emotionally erratic. It's not fun at all. And I honestly feel like it is keeping me from being able to be the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

So I think maybe that's my whole resolution. And I suppose that all resolutions kind of come down to that one anyway. Whether its losing weight, or making more money- everyone essentially only makes resolutions in a pursuit of actually finding happiness.

But I think mine may need a bit more internal work.

So my resolutions are to reflect more. To appreciate what I do have. To see all the beauty that exists so abundantly in my life. It's easy to forget those things when I'm mentally tormenting myself for everything I can't do or have failed at.

It's time I become my own biggest fan.

I certainly deserve one.

waiting for the deal breaker.

i think its just a state of not caring.

I'm not angry.
I'm not nervous.

im not happy.

im not excited...
but i think I should be.

so how do you help that? How do you find feelings when all you feel is empty?

It hasn't felt like home...

Digging a hole
And the walls are caving in,
Behind me,
Airs getting thin,
But I'm trying,
I'm breathing in,
Come find me,

It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

I know you're scared,
That I'll soon be over it,
That's part of it all,
Part of the beauty,
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall,

It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you'd call,
Thought being alone,
Was better than,
Was better than,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

Can't get my mind off of you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way

A quote I need to remember

"I'm pretty sure you won't fail because you are very adamant about doing well in the things you put your heart to, so I wouldn't worry about that."
~KPM

almost...

I think it has happened.
I'm actually okay. More than okay. I'm a better person now. Learned from my mistake. My mistakes. And learned it doesn't really matter how happy I make other people if it's ruining my life at the same time.

Funny it took me this long to learn that.